Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
