I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
