She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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