I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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