my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
