What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My boob is missing a layer of skin
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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