Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
