Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
