there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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