can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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