the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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