Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
