im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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