So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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