somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
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It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
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who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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