I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
