well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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