what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
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