i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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