I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
