normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
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All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records