the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon