I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
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I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
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Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me