i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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