Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
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