this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Pooping to opera.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
