I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
