Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It's rum buckets o'clock
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
