Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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