apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
