is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
