Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's blow job season.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
