omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
