K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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