i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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