my shit smells like andre
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
