I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
