The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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