After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
