If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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