you guys were way drunker than both of me
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
