How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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