I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i came on her dog
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I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
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Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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