someone threw a dead crab at me
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
