Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
