I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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