they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Randomize
