Betty ford says i'm here all night
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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