Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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