Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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