A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
