My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just googled if crying burns calories
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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