I just made out with a guy for $7.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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