Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
