Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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