I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
